


One Day

by Pecora



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Blood, F/M, No Underage Sex, Post-Canon, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 21:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pecora/pseuds/Pecora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Rin has been dropped off with Kaede to learn to live among the humans until she can decide to go back to Sesshomaru or stay in the village, she keeps a journal detailing her 6 years and beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Her First Year

Parting ways with others was never easy. For Rin, parting ways with her dog demon, kappa, and dragon demon companions was difficult to say the least. Sesshomaru told her it would be best for her to live in a human village again, even if once she became an adult she eventually decided to become his ward again. Rather, Kagome had decided the adulthood part- meaning Rin had to stay here until she was at least 18. She should have the option to live a peaceful life with others like her, and so she was dropped off at Kaede’s village to live with her and learn from her.

Rin was expected to grow up here. She was expected to “mature”, and learn many things. She was being torn away from a family for the second time, and she didn’t want this situation at all. The only explanation she got from Kagome was in pieces, telling her she was safer with humans than Sesshomaru’s estate, where he was finally returning to.

_January 26 th:_ _Today, Rin came to a human village where Kagome and Inuyasha lived. We had been staying in this village after Naraku was defeated, but Kagome kept speaking with Sesshomaru in private until the day I was supposed to depart with him. She told me I would be staying here for a few years… and all Milord said to me was "Okay." And left! He left Rin all alone… Rin felt empty. Until Rin got this diary from Kaede, Rin didn't know what to do. But, this Rin now has things to do and learn… so bye?_

Her first entry. The writing barely legible, ideas left hanging, and improper grammar galore. She was only 12 though, and it was almost unheard of for a woman, one her age much less, to be able to read and write. The next few days were grueling, being separated from the people she had been travelling with for more than 4 years. Reeling, she didn’t understand how they could just leave her. She remembered the look in Ah-Un’s eyes as she watched them leave- if the dragon demon could cry, they would have.

_January 30 th:_ _Today, Kaede told Rin to stop 'talking in the third person'. She taught Rin that that is wrong, and not normal. Rin is trying hard to stop doing this, but Rin doesn't feel the same saying "I am" instead of "Rin is"! Rin is also learning how to read and write, Kaede's helping me a lot and Rin feels "embarrassed". Kaede helped me spell that._

Kaede was trying her best to allow the girl to adjust. She made herself available, as well as her home, hoping Rin would be able to make a life for herself in the village. While Kaede found it highly inappropriate for the girl to have been with the demon lord for as long as she was, and to even think of her being at his estate was disheartening, she knew it was ultimately the girl’s choice. It was up to her to teach Rin, and to convince her a human’s life is meant for her.

_February 10 th: _ _Today, Rin figured out just how hard Kanji is. Kaede and Rin were going over symbols, but all Rin can remember is the symbol for 'tree' in Katakana looks like one, and the Kanji for 'forest' is a cluster of three Katakana trees! Rin needs to go to sleep now, bye!_

Rin was certainly endearing, Kaede knew for sure. Rin was having a lot of trouble with certain things, but she was right there to help the girl along. She was happy to see Rin writing often in the journal she found within the shrine’s cellar- a place it really didn’t belong. It did however seem to be perfect when it was under Rin as she wrote, by her bed when she fell asleep recounting her day, and on her small table for if she ever needed to remember the time’s she’s documented.

_February 16 th: _ _Sesshomaru visited Rin today! It was only for a few minutes, but it was still nice getting a new yukata. This one was white and had an orange flower pattern near the bottom. It felt really nice, and Rin is gonna wear it whenever she can! I’ve tried to draw it on the next page, but it doesn’t look as nice as it does in real life._

Kaede worried for the girl and her attachment to the demon lord. Sesshomaru had told the shrine maidens that he would visit whenever he felt so, and would like to bring gifts for the girl he’s almost unceremoniously dumped on the maidens. He figured the humans can barely clothe themselves, and would rather bring fine clothes for his ward than allow the maidens to allow her to look foolish. The maidens took it as meaning much more. Rin was just happy to see a familiar face.

_February 20 th:_ _Kaede told me (I'm trying hard not to 'talk in third person') that I looked really happy when Sesshomaru came. It meant he didn't just forget about me, which is what I fear. Well, Kaede is teaching me how to make medicines and which herbs to use. She told Rin that Rin is going to learn a lot in the next 6 years. Kaede wants to also teach me archery but Rin finds that silly!_

Giggling to herself, Rin closed her diary. She had eased into life in the shrine little by little over the month, even though it was major culture shock at first. Being told how to talk, when to talk, what to say? And now that she was going to have to learn a trade? Rin just wanted to travel. She loved adventure, and the shrine was very confining.

_February 28 th: _ _I do not like this 'first-person' talking. But Rin is very tired today, so I will sleep soon… Rin and Kaede… I mean, Kaede and I went out gathering herbs for hours and hours with no end in sight… but, I did find a nice cliff with a view near Kaede's house… shrine… thing. Tomorrow's another long day Kaede told me, so I better sleep! Goodnight!_

Very few interacted with Rin- it was nobody’s fault. She had rarely left the shrine until Kaede invited her to learn how to pick herbs and other plants, and many of the villagers stayed away from Rin due to her demonic association or, like many of the children did, had a farm to tend to. Although the outing was tiring, Rin enjoyed the fresh air and the breeze from the large body of water the cliff overlooked. A bay, an ocean, a sea, or perhaps a lake? Rin couldn’t tell, but staring off into the glistening water made her more comfortable with her living arrangement.

_March 10 th: _ _The last few weeks have been tiring… I've been staying up late trying to learn to read and write without the help of Kaede. It's getting easier, but it's still very hard. All of my time is spent learning herbs and medicines from Kaede, learning to read or write, or sleeping. I don't remember the last time I had fun._

The need to be able to write better and read better was strong within Rin. Very few people talked to her, and thus the journal was very important to her. She wishes she could tell all the tales of her time traveling the world it seemed, but simply doesn’t have the capacity yet. She’s working herself dead tired, learning, to be able to be happier. She is working hard with Kaede and then working hard with herself. Her small room is her sanctuary, her journal her small shrine. It is dedicated to her, for her, and she doesn’t yet realize it.

_March 20 th: _ _I've been having trouble concentrating, I keep falling asleep! I also miss Sesshomaru. Every night before I sleep, I always wish for him to come visit again. I wonder what his estate is like? How is he doing? I wonder if he'd be proud of what I was doing?_

          While being with Sesshomaru, Rin learned quickly if she was to do something, it was to be for her. Although she did many things with her lord in mind, she was not bound to him as Jaken was. Or, at least, she thought it was this way. But she always wished to know how he felt- the small smiles he gave were usually more than enough for her as she gave him flowers and other neat things. But he was no longer around to give these reassuring smiles. Rin couldn’t look to the coddling and doting Kaede, and figured she would need to talk to the other maiden, Kagome. She kept Sesshomaru in her thoughts.

_March 26 th: _ _Sesshomaru came today, finally after all my wishing! He came during the afternoon and we walked to a close meadow so I could pick flowers for him. They were really pretty, and it felt good talking to him, even if he didn't say anything back. At sunset, we started walking back to the village, and after he talked to Lady Kaede, he left. It started raining that night…_

Sesshomaru misses the girl and her songs, her gifts and her laughter. They are but small things, and he does not miss Rin as much as she seems to miss him, but the human still taught him much and gave him much. Not able to admit it just yet, but able to recognize it, Sesshomaru does realize he has changed because of the girl. He made his smile more available to her, and spoke to Kaede about Rin’s progress and if everything was okay. To Kaede, it seemed he was worried, and to Sesshomaru, it was the first step in him caring for the girl while she was no longer by his side.

_March 30 th: _ _I stayed out in the rain to get herbs, but I hadn't been sleeping, and I finally got so tired I just fell down and slept. It was still raining when I woke up to boys kicking mud on me, so I quickly got my basket of herbs and tried to run, but those boys were fast. After they were done, I walked home in silence, and got a fresh yukata to go and change into after I bathed. Lady Kaede didn't ask what happened to my dirty yukata, or why I've gotten sick. I hope I don't stay sick and 'lend' myself to writing these long stories all day. Maybe I'll become a writer? I hope not. That sounds boring._

Boys in the village have heard the stories from their parents. Demons are not to be trusted, half-demons are not to be trusted, and human wards of demons are not to be trusted. They have been told the demon with white hair is the brother of Inuyasha, a half-demon they have come to accept. They have also been told this matters not.  And so, Rin matters not to them as well, and they have found a new play thing.

_April 9 th: _ _I didn't get over my cold quickly. Well Lady Kaede said I had, since it wasn't really a cold she had said. She called it ammonia or nyamonia or something. I asked her how to write the kanji for it… it's pneumonia. I've seen it before; it was next to a marking of 'miasma'. I remembered it because Jaken got so scared of seeing it! I forgot all about Jaken… I think he stayed with Lady Kaede when Sesshomaru visited… I don't know, sadly._

Jaken talked the ear off Ah-Un when his master left to walk with Rin. Jaken would never admit it, but he missed the damn girl. He missed her making light fun all the time, her innocence, and the way she pulled together the group. Ah-Un felt the same, but freely enjoyed the girl’s company. They both worried for her, as she was but a human, but Kaede assured everybody that Rin was fine. Truthfully, in health Rin would recover just fine. In other ways, Rin was only so tough. She could still hear the laughing of the boys, unsure if she really did fall asleep or was pushed and thus fallen unconscious. She chooses not to worry her seemingly only friend, her journal, over it.

_April 24 th: _ _Today is my 13th birthday. Lady Kaede was nice enough to give me the day off and let me wander. I found some dandelion puffs, and I made 3 wishes… I can't tell you what they are, but one came true today! Sesshomaru came and visited again! I hadn't asked for a present, but he gave me a new yukata! I loved it. I told him of what I was learning. For once, he had replied to me 'That's good." I was so happy! Later on, we went back to the village, and I got to see Jaken and say hello. Sesshomaru again was talking to Lady Kaede in private, so me and Jaken were by Ah-Un. Jaken told me that they are all having a great time living at the estate. He told me it’s beautiful! He likes not having to deal with humans like me, and I told him I’m glad to not have to deal with smelly toad demons like him! He almost hit me with his staff, but I was just too quick! I was able to say goodbye to Sesshomaru and wave the group off. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight._

Birthdays were nearly meaningless when you’ve had over 200 of them. However, to his human cohort, he knows they mean much, and thus came bearing a gift- a yukata with a similar pattern that is traditionally given to young demon girls who are halfway to adulthood. He was glad to hear her gush of her new knowledge. Jaken couldn’t help but be his rude self, but internally happy Rin was acting normal around him. Sesshomaru came to give the girl a gift, and tell Kaede he would likely not be visiting until the end of the year. Many things are happening in the West, and a small human girl should not be one of his priorities.

_April 31 st: _ _I looked closely at my new yukata today. It’s a deep purple, this time with a golden lily pattern. It looks so nice and feels so soft... it’s too much for just me. Kagome came by with some late birthday presents, Inuyasha turning his nose up at my new yukata. I was too much “enthralled” with the neat gifts Kagome brought from her time to really care, though!_

Inuyasha couldn’t believe his brother gave such a gift to a young human girl. Demons based maturity on almost solely sexual maturity- unlike humans, who had other qualifiers for adulthood. Inuyasha found it inappropriate; Sesshomaru just viewed it as a nice and traditional gift.

_May 10 th: _ _Even though I said I don’t care much for him, I do kinda miss Jaken. And for some reason, Lady Kaede has been awfully nice to me lately. I hope she hasn't been reading this journal! It'd be embarrassing…_

The journal was always speaking to Kaede, as if begging to be read. She could actually hear a soft voice, beckoning for her to invade the privacy of Rin, to look out for her. Kaede regularly read the thoughts documented, worrying over Rin’s views, while delighting at how much the girl has grown.

_May 20 th: _ _About 2 days ago I found myself bleeding. I won't say it where it was coming from, but I asked Lady Kaede for bandages and she kept asking why until I told her I was bleeding. She was very suspicious, and asked to see where. I told her I just couldn’t, and I just needed the bandages! She then told me it was normal after she saw the blood stains on my yukata! I don't believe her at all, and she said it'll stop in a few days and come back with every full cycle of the moon. I told her I didn't want that to happen, and all she did was laugh and say if I wanted children I would. What does bleeding and babies have to do with one another? Oh well. I feel sick, goodnight._

A thing often forgotten by Kaede is that Rin is slowly growing up, but came from a place where she didn’t learn much, especially in terms of her body and of others. Menarche was stressful for some girls, and she could hear the crying that night of Rin. She heard “I want to go home” but did the girl really have a home? Kaede had tried her best to make this her home. The open world was not a home. Her old village was no longer a home.

_May 30 th: _ _Hmm. Milord hasn't visited me. Oh well, I knew he wouldn't come every month, but still… it makes me sad and I do not know why._

Rin misses the companionship offered by her group. She fills her time with humming, small games she plays with herself, and by venturing just on the outside of the village. The animals and the plants have become her friends.

_June 10 th: _ _It's getting really hot. Because of this, Lady Kaede is spending more time outside, so we visited the townspeople who didn't come regularly for medical check-ups. That other girl, Kagome, came too. She's training to be a priestess, and she practices with Kaede while I study. We hadn't talked much before, but she really is nice. She asked if her big-brother ever visited. I was confused until she told me the custom of calling the brother of your husband your 'big brother'. I still didn't understand until she reminded me Sesshomaru and Inuyasha were related. I had forgotten! I felt so embarrassed… goodnight._

Kagome enjoyed seeing Rin under the care of someone like Kaede. She tried to get closer to her and help her, and has been asked by Kaede to teach her archery next year or the year after. Kagome cannot wait.

_June 20 th: _ _The heat hasn't peaked yet, but it is still quite hot. But, it rains and storms a lot, so the nights are even cooler than expected. And, I know it's silly, but I'm scared of lightning, and the dark is scary too. But, it gets less scary when I remember the days when it would storm, and Sesshomaru would let me rest my head on his pelt. It made me feel safe, like when I was little and my mama let me rest my head in her lap during storms. Well, goodnight._

Loud noises reminded Rin of the wolves howls. She’d wrap the blanket tighter and tighter around her, moving closer and closer to the wall, as if she could disappear that way. She does not feel safe in this human village. Leaving Sesshomaru was leaving the only semblance of safety she had ever had in her life.

_June 28 th: _ _I don't think Milord is going to visit this month either. I don't blame him; he must get awfully hot in all the things he wears. I remember talking to Inuyasha about it, because he was licking himself and I asked why, since it seemed to be a very dirty habit. He just said dogs do it, and this time I was smart enough to put the pieces together. I still can't stop laughing at the thought of Sesshomaru licking himself the way Inuyasha was! I wish I could write more, but it's late. Goodnight!_

Thinking of Sesshomaru in embarrassing situations makes Rin feel silly, warm in her cheeks, and fills her belly with laughter. Butterflies blossom within her, and she rereads her recent journal entries. Her smile fades, her laughter ends, and she falls asleep quietly, restlessly.

_July 10 th: _ _Lady Kaede was being mean today, calling me 'lazy' like Jaken would, and she wouldn't help me write the correct kanji for words I was trying to learn! I yelled at her, and she yelled back, asking if I was on my 'menses'. I didn't understand, until she told me it's when I bleed. I don't know why I suddenly became so rude, but I shouted 'It's none of your business, you old hag!' and I ran to my room. I'll apologize in the morning. Goodnight._

Within herself, Rin was happy Kaede could be like Jaken sometimes. It was frustrating, but the reminder of the memories she made the past 4 years brings a smile to her chubby face. She however did not appreciate the rudeness of Kaede.

_July 20 th: _ _I decided that the morning after our fight, I would make Lady Kaede some herbal tea, the kind she loves. When she awoke, after I had cleaned and polished everything inside the shrine, she sat down and sipped tea. I could see her choke on it. 'Too sweet. You wasted a lot of sugar for this tea…' she said. I was crushed, as I didn't even put in any sugar! She put her cup down, and told me she had read my journal last night. She told I shouldn't say such things about Milord, and about everyone else. She also found out why I was sick! She knew the boys, and would go talk to them, which isn't what I needed. So… I got up, got some of my things, and ran away. I don't know where I am now, as I'm lost in the forest. It's night, so I'll find a clearing and sleep. I'm scared…_

Rin felt desperate to be free yet to have companionship. In her developing mind, she couldn’t handle Kaede going against her so! She believed she could survive on her own, hoping to just worry Kaede and return and have Kaede realize how precious Rin is. Rin knows Sesshomaru didn’t find her precious enough to keep. It hurts.

_July 31 st: _ _I think today is the 31st anyway. I don't know, I've been trying to count the days as they go by. It's raining a lot this summer, and it keeps the demons away, but it smells bad and it's always muddy. I feel sick, and I'm on my 'menses' again. I haven't felt warmth in a while. Maybe I should to the village? I'll walk towards it, but if they don't care enough to get me, I'll stay here!_

Even her tears didn’t warm her thinning cheeks any more.

_August 10 th: _ _About 4 days ago, I collapsed from 'exhaustion' near the entrance or end to the forest, near the Bone Eater Well. I hadn't had any food or water, and my skin was now a reddish color from being in the sun too long. It hurt, and it still does hurt now. I'm thankful Kagome was returning from her time for some supplies for her newly pregnant self, and she found me. Well, actually, Inuyasha found me, but waited for Kagome. He didn't want to move me. They took me back to the village, and apologized to Lady Kaede. She told me to never do it again. I don't know why I did that thing, either. I can't survive on my own… goodnight._

Inuyasha didn’t know how a young girl with a bloodstained yukata managed to stay in the forest for so long, even with the torrential rain. He was expecting his first child with Kagome, and worried the child would be as dense as Rin. Kaede was stern with Rin upon her return. Nothing had changed.

_August 20 th: _ _My skin was peeling off! It felt good to take off, but it was weird. Kagome said I was burned, and it's okay. My new skin hurts, but feels really soft and looks pretty. I asked Lady Kaede if Sesshomaru showed up again. She said no. I've resumed normal life again, with Lady Kaede teaching me herbal medicines and teas, which I am now very good at. She told me she will be leaving for a two-month trip for rare herbs, and me and Kagome must look over the shrine. I thought priestess’ weren't supposed to have kids? Well, goodnight._

Kagome was destined to be a priestess, and so she doesn’t feel the need to conform to every way of a priestess’ life. Kagome is getting closer to Rin, and can tell there’s something the girl keeps to herself and herself only. Kagome prays her child won’t have the same hidden sadness.

_August 30 th: _ _By sunset of tomorrow, Lady Kaede will have left. Kagome came and put a strange paste on my new skin- I think she called it 'aloe vera', which she taught me how to make for when I needed it. I have heard of aloe, but not vera. It was… strange. But I'm happy; Kagome's going to teach me new words! Goodnight!_

Rin is glad for the help of Kagome. Rin is glad for the leaving of Kaede. Rin is glad for a journal to tell this to.

_September 10 th: _ _So far, everything is going good. I've learned many new things from the priestess. She was nice to me when I was little, and still is. I asked her about herself and her past, and she told me all about how she came to the feudal era and everything. I told her about me when she asked. She hugged me when I told her about my mama and papa and family, the wolves… and dying. Twice. She told me Inuyasha will come stay the night with her and me on the new moon, in a few weeks. I didn't say much after that. Good night._

Life was a fairy tale for Kagome, and she told it like one to Rin- she loved the awe she found in her eyes as she listened. The sadness she found came out entirely when Rin told her of her life- Kagome wondered how long that had been pent up. All her frustrations left, and Rin seemed a bit happier, calmer.

_September 17 th: _ _I'm happy I'm writing more and more every day! It's good practice, and my new handwriting is so much better than my handwriting from just a few months ago. Also, Sesshomaru showed up again! I told Sesshomaru everything that had happened, besides me running away and being disrespectful. I asked Milord if he ever didn't like me. He didn't even give me a 'Hn.'. Later, to break the uncomfortable silence, I asked if he still wanted me to come back when I'm older. He told me, 'It's up to you, Rin.' And so, we walked back to the shrine, since it was very late. Inuyasha was there, and Sesshomaru said nothing, and walked out, calling for Jaken. I think Inuyasha was surprised. Before Jaken ran out, he told me I had annoyed Milord, being punted by Sesshomaru. I sat in the dark, just thinking for a very long time. It's almost sunrise, I should at least sleep a little bit… Good… morning? Night?_

Sesshomaru’s approval was something Rin had an unconscious need for. She did have a very conscious need for him to just be there for her- she knew being separated made her sad, a bit anxious. Inuyasha was surprised he was still coming to the village- he had bet that Rin would never see him again after he left her.

_September 30 th: _ _Inuyasha came back last night, sitting outside just looking at the sky. It was night, so I couldn't say I wanted to go pick flowers to Kagome. I told her honestly, I wanted to talk to Inuyasha, and she let me! She's too nice, I think. I walked out and sat by him, wearing my sleeping yukata. Inuyasha just looked over at me. He didn't seem like his brother, he actually talked back to me. I sat staring at the stars until it happened- it was long past sunset, and it was close to midnight I 'approximated'. Suddenly, Inuyasha's hair became black, and his nails became normal, and I swore his eyes changed color… I think… I think… he was a human now. I heard Jaken tell me this was another way Milord was superior to Inuyasha. Inuyasha still hadn't said anything. So, I asked him about his past. He fought with me about why he should, until Kagome came out and asked to hear it too. I'm learning so much. Maybe it's good for me to be here. Well, I've written a lot and my hand hurts so much… Goodnight!_

Inuyasha didn’t want to become too attached to Rin, but he had to oblige his love. Under the stars and lack of moon, Kagome curled up next to him, and Rin sat on the other side with knees pulled to her chest. Inuyasha left out many unsavory parts, instead focusing on his escapades after adolescence. He made himself to be much cooler than he actually was, but he knew both of the girls could figure it out, and they laughed a bit. Rin started to feel like she belonged here, just a tiny bit.

_October 10 th: _ _The next day after that, I asked Inuyasha about Sesshomaru before Inuyasha became hanyou again and left. He told me a lot—and he had called his mother a 'purebred bitch'. I had heard that word before, but I didn't know what it was, so I didn't say it. It also didn't seem nice, but if it accompanied purebred, it couldn't be bad, right? I'm not certain. His mother seemed nice, anyway. She brought me to life after Sesshomaru couldn't. I hope he still thinks of me sometimes. I think he and Inuyasha should “reconcile”. Another night where I learned so much and am going to sleep happy. Goodnight._

As fall sleepily set in, Rin found herself resting in leaf piles and on dying grass, listening to Inuyasha or Kagome tell a story to her. They had become close to her as they looked over her and the shrine in Kaede’s absence.

_October 24 th: _ _Lord Sesshomaru visited again yesterday, making me just that much happier. He came during the afternoon finally, so we could talk as I picked flowers, and even though it was getting cold again, the prettiest flowers endured and let me pick them. It was nearly nightfall when we headed back, but I asked him if he'd like to see the cliff I had found so long ago. He agreed, and we—I mean I talked, and the last I remember is him almost smiling when I laid my head against his pelt like I used to. Kagome woke me up this morning, telling me Lord Sesshomaru had carried me back to my room when I had fallen asleep. She said I was adorable and smiling as I slept. I'm going to bed happy again tonight, so goodnight!_

The time spent with Sesshomaru is heart-lifting. The time spent with Rin is precious.

_November 13 th: _ _Lady Kaede came back a few days ago. She had a lot—and I really do mean a lot- of rare herbs and herbs from not here. She said someday I could go with her, and it sounded 'amusing'. Lord Sesshomaru had said that word a few times. Kagome said I was a very nice and polite young 'woman'… it felt weird hearing that. But Lady Kaede laughed and said 'that she is, that she is!' It made me kind of warm inside. Well, time for bed._

Rin starts to feel she is worth something, and worthy of the praise she’s been given. The human village is not so bad after all.

_November 23 rd: _ _Tonight it started snowing, so I don't expect Lord Sesshomaru to come within the next few days of November to visit. Oh well. I've spent most of my time reading and writing, since we're sorting the herbs and waiting until spring to use them. Lady Kaede has been so 'gracious' to me! She's taught me so much, and I'm happy. Goodnight._

Herbs, roots, medicine, and pastes are filling Rin’s mind far more than Sesshomaru is these days. She can read many books now, and finds herself lost within the lands they create. Kagome brings by books for her to read.

_December 3 rd: _ _It's bitter and cold, and my menses have begun again. Oh, it makes me feel so sick. Those stupid boys saw me again today, and kept yelling at me and calling me a 'prude' and 'flat-chested'. I thought prude meant shriveled up? And I told Lady Kagome about what they said to me, and she said sorry and wouldn't tell me what they meant._

Kagome almost laughed at Rin’s word confusion, but couldn’t, as Rin being teased and harassed wasn’t so funny. Kagome told Kaede, and both made sure to speak to these boys as it wasn’t acceptable. Rin just wanted to know why and how. She wanted to know everything.

_December 16 th: _ _I don't think I'll ever stop crying. It happened two days ago, when I was getting firewood… those stupid boys- 5 of them- came up to me and pushed me from behind. I had been getting over a cold, and got into a coughing fit. I felt so weak. They started calling me mean names. I don’t remember a lot, so I had to listen to what Kaede told the kid’s parents about what they did to me. They, from what I heard, were kicking me and hurting me all because Lady Kaede told their parents about what they said to me earlier, and they had gotten in a lot of trouble. I was already weak, and I started coughing up blood. I don't understand why this happened, or why they left so abruptly. No one came for me until the day after, which was yesterday. My blood was left on the freshly fallen snow, and it reminded me of my mama's blood in snow, and then my sisters, and then my youngest brothers. Everybody else was inside spilling their blood. I haven't slept since Kagome found me, and I'm recovering right now… but I don't think I'll stop crying for a while._

          Harsh images of the day Rin was almost killed recounted in her mind, a looping tape that couldn’t be paused. She refused to try and get out of bed the next few days, feeling so low after being so happy for a while. Her journal was a mess, her head filled with racing thoughts going nowhere.

_December 27 th: _ _Lord Sesshomaru visited me today, 'despite' it was snowing. I was sitting outside on the steps when he came. He asked why I wasn't inside in this cold, and I was somewhat happy he cared. I stood up and hugged him. He didn't push me away, but he also didn't pull me in like I always hoped he would do after reading so many stories of where that happens. I told him in another month it will have been a year, and I don't think I could spend another year here. I asked to go back with him, and after I let go of him he asked me a simple 'Why.' No emotion or hint of concern, but that's normal for him. I told him about the mean boys and how I had finally let myself go and cried for days and how ashamed he must be. All he said was 'I'll take care of it' and left. I told him goodbye, and even now I don't understand what went on. Hmm, well, goodnight._


	2. Learning

The new year came in sleepily. Snow fell silently, the flora and fauna drifting away until it was nearly completely gone. The snow hares rarely came up to Rin, but she could barely see them to begin with. She would rest inside the shrine helping Kagome and Kaede with menial tasks- keeping moving helped keep her a bit warmer. For such a calm and renewing season, you really did have to keep active in order to survive.

_January 10 th: _ _Well, nothing much has happened. I haven’t really left the shrine and haven’t seen the boys since. I heard something happened to them, one losing an eye and one lost an arm. These boys claimed a demon did it to them. I feel kind of sick. I just feel… weird? I just want to curl up in my covers and sleep until spring._

Rin was homesick again, eager to return to traveling the land. She wanted the earth beneath her bare feet, her hair in the wind behind her. The shrine confined her, and she felt limited. She felt a part of herself slowly disappearing, even as a very young girl, desperate to regain her freedom. The shrine gave her a false sense of freedom, whereas under Sesshomaru it was her choice to accompany him, able to leave at any time. The bell rang in the shrine, reminding Rin she had to wake up. Each day it got harder and harder.

_January_ _26 th: It's been a full year. It feels weird to say I'm almost 14, I feel so old. Lady Kaede said I was growing up really fast. Lord Sesshomaru came and visited like I hoped he would, and we went on a long walk. We didn’t talk much, but I was able to carry Ah-Un’s reins with me and it was nice to spend time with them as well. We went to the cliff I had found last year and I was so happy to just feel like I used to be before I started to live here. I miss it a lot._

Was it the adventure Rin missed, or was it the destinations and places she travelled through? The village and surrounding area was wearing itself out very quickly.

_January 30 th: _ _Lady Kaede said she's proud I'm writing so much. She says it's good practice. She’s kind of “overbearing” but Kagome is around the shrine a lot more and I like her. Maybe it was the right choice for me to be here? I wish I could write more on what everyone says like my funny conversations with Inuyasha, but I'm tired tonight. Goodnight!_

Rin’s journal was her outlet for creativity, with little doodles and short stories often drawn and written alongside her anecdotes. Kaede and Kagome were a large presence in her life, and Inuyasha was a presence as well. Everybody encouraged her to open up in some way, because although there was long to go in Rin being sociable with those in the village, her journal helped her immensely.

_February 10 th: _ _Sometimes I have really embarrassing and silly questions and I get scared to ask Lady Kaede. Does she even know the answers since she’s so old? Sometimes she gets upset with the things I ask. I just want to know a lot of things. She’s always telling me to talk to her more, but when I do I just get yelled at or made fun of. It’s annoying._

Rin’s eating and living habits were not optimal, especially for a teenage girl. She usually ate just barely enough, slept too little, and worked too hard. This was how much of her life had been, and just because she now had an old lady yelling at her to eat more and sleep more did not change anything. Now, she had been getting better gradually since living in the village, but sometimes things stressed her out a bit too much. She didn’t know how to approach things with Kaede often, and so thoughts just simmered within her.

_February 20 th: _ _Lady Kagome found my journal today and, she actually asked if she could read it! She said it wouldn't change anything if she did read it, and wouldn't hold anything against me. I finally cracked and said yes. She helped me spell words right, and is still helping me learn new words and 'grammar'. She didn't say anything about the content, besides that she was glad to see me writing so much. Now, I'm gonna let her read it whenever she wants so she can see my 'improvement'. I'll mark the words she taught me, like 'improvement'. Thank you Lady Kagome! Goodnight!_

Interaction with others was scarce for Rin as she had many chores within the shrine and on its grounds, and so her time with Kagome was refreshing in a sense. Kagome was able to empathize with Rin, something the younger girl appreciated very much. Both women had appreciation for demons, and a strong relationship to one, whereas Kaede had lived with a hatred of them. Even though they rarely spoke of Sesshomaru, Rin was still happy to speak to Kagome about anything- although they usually ended up making light jokes of Inuyasha.

_March 12 th: _ _I feel happy learning so much, but I get soooo tired. It’s not even a tired that helps me sleep but rather one that just makes me feel exhausted and slow. Lady Kaede puts me on the spot a lot too! We’ll be walking and she’ll point to a random plant and ask me to identify it. If I get it wrong, I have to pick a few of them and then make something with them when we return so I’ll remember its purpose. If I get it right, we keep walking until I do get one wrong. I hate it._

Lately, Rin was having problems with sleeping. She started to go to sleep later and later, waking up throughout the night, not able to do anything about it. Some nights she didn’t sleep at all. There wasn’t much she could do but keep going, and sometimes she could have a sick day of sorts from Kaede, but those aren’t enough for Rin.

_March 21 st: _ _We started making new pastes, creams, anything we could. It was fun, and everybody was proud of me for mixing so well. I can now identify almost 200 different herbs, and can make so many new things! But, I just now realized I'm not really learning how to live like a human. I'm learning to be a miko and medicine woman. I don't want to be a miko… spare me, Journal! I do not want to be sucked into a life where I must see dead bodies and sick people. Well… goodnight, please have a restful sleep. I don't think I will._

At the close of winter, the reserves were brought out and everything was made into something. This was to open up space for the coming herbs and roots, make sure they were well-stocked with teas and pastes, and to stay sharp. The coming year would be glorious Lady Kaede thought, having two helpers. She liked Rin’s eagerness to learn but disliked how much she refused to want to be a miko.

_March 30 th: _ _Less than a month until I'm 14 and the count goes from 5 to 4 years until I can leave this village! Spring starts soon as well, so I know I’ll have a looot to do in a short amount of time. A lot of dumb kids are getting hurt and end up coming to the shrine for help, and Lady Kaede says I need the practice so I always treat them. I know it’s really because she’s lazy and sees the work as “beneath” her, but of course I could never say that to her, Journal._

Whether Lady Kaede did see herself as too experienced or not was a moot point. Kaede wanted Rin to not only get the necessary experience but to also interact with others. It’s not that Rin wasn’t extroverted, because she definitely was, and she enjoyed talking and playing around… just not with _humans_. Kaede believed she had the best intentions in mind for Rin.

_April 10 th: _ _I'm having nightmares of my parents dying again. It's not as if their death dates are near, so I don't know why. I try not to think of it too much. Life is very different, and sometimes I don’t feel like the same person as I was before coming to live here._

Making a conscious effort to talk to those in the village seemed to just upset Rin more; many didn’t like her for her affiliation to demons. She made friends with some of the girls, but they usually weren’t out at the same times she was. The boys would pick on her just as they did the other girls, being rude and obnoxious. She strongly preferred Jaken over those boys. Sometimes Kohaku came around and scared off the boys and they enjoyed each other’s time.

_April 24 th: _ _I'm now officially 14! Lord Sesshomaru visited me today. I talked to him about how happy I am and how Lady Kagome is expecting to give birth in less than a month, and how she wants me to help take care of the baby! I felt like he was silently proud of me, and now I can go to sleep happy. Ha, well, goodnight, Journal._

Sesshomaru’s visits never failed to lift Rin’s spirits. It was also her birthday, a day which only in recent years came to mean anything to her. Nonetheless, everybody close to her came to celebrate- Kaede and Kagome, Inuyasha, Sango, Miroku; Kohaku came by if he was in town (and he of course did his best to insure he was). The time before and the time after her birthday week was always nice- the weather was perfect, the plants bloomed, the rain came when she wanted it.

_May 10 th: _ _Should I name you, Journal? I asked Lady Kagome and she said I should, since I talk to it so much, and we both laughed. Well, your name is now Sachi! I even tried to draw you on a page… Lady Kagome said it looked like a 'comic' character. Whatever that is. I think the eyes are kinda big, and the nose is small… I'm sorry. But, Sachi, you're an inu-youkai, like Milord! I wish I looked like you; you look like somebody who anybody would want to marry. Lady Kagome said I'm pretty, too, but I didn't believe her. Why am I so worried about this now? Well, goodnight… Sachi._

Rin was not the best artist, but definitely tried. She had picked up from the other girls in the village to deny her beauty, intelligence, and other assets she should have been proud of. Kagome said nothing to Rin about it, but it did nag her how young Rin was and denying something like that. It made Rin flustered, and all she did was recede back into her room to draw and write.

_May 25 th: _ _Lady Kagome had a baby boy today! His name is Daisuke! I remembered how my mama had named all her kids for a reason. Mine was Rin because I didn't kick much, so she thought I would make a good companion, and I smiled at that thought. Well, my job as a big sister (kinda) starts in a few days. So, let me rest peacefully! Haha, goodnight Sachi!_

Rin didn’t know how quickly a baby came, or really how to care for one. After this day she definitely did, though. Kaede had her help with keeping Kagome calm and comfortable, and cleaning off the baby once delivered. She also cleaned up the room afterwards, and helped bury the afterbirth once Kagome had enough strength to get up. Inuyasha was stressed the entire time, frustrated with not being able to help- and in turn, it made Kagome stressed, and the comedy act relationship that unknowingly went on between Rin and Inuyasha continued.

_June 5 th: _ _I have to take care of Daisuke when Inuyasha drops him off, since Kagome is still recovering and he wakes both of them up. Lady Kaede said I look like a natural holding and playing with the baby, like a real woman. I wish I didn't have to talk about those kinds of things, like being a “woman”, ever! But anyway, Daisuke is a really 'rowdy' baby! He's always doing something weird or sneaky. He's also a fast learner, and can crawl after only a few weeks. He's ¼ demon… it's weird. I also tried to redraw you Sachi, this time with better details. Your hair is really pretty! Well, goodnight, Sachi!_

Enjoying her time off from working with Kaede and instead playing with a baby, Rin was thankful for him. She hoped to be there for him just like she was for Sango and Miroku’s daughters.

_June 20 th: _ _I don't think Lord Sesshomaru likes the summer. He hasn't visited me since April, and I guess it's better if he doesn't visit every month. Then I’d feel like a burden… oh well. Oh, oh, also Lady Kagome went to her time today to get things for Daisuke, and she gave this candy… it's like cooked bread with… stuff on it. The box it came in says 'Pocky Variety Pack" and that they're "Biscuit sticks with Flavored Icing". She said they're really good, and they are! There's 'coffee' and 'chocolate' and strawberry and some have almonds or something on them! They're so good; I wish I had saved a few. Unfortunately, Kagome can’t keep going back between the worlds for much longer. I doubt she’ll stay in the modern world, though. Well, goodnight._

Late spring and early summer were Rin’s favorite times of the year, and when she was most happy. It helped there was a baby she loved to babysit and that Kagome was generous in giving gifts to Rin. Rin loved the modern era and its foods and clothes- although she wouldn’t know what time to live in. She hoped maybe she could live forever and experience both, but that was just wishful thinking on her part.

_June 30 th: _ _Sachi, do you like your name and how I drew you? I hope you do. Oh, I visited Inuyasha to say thank you to Lady Kagome and take Daisuke to 'babysit'. I can tell he’s not great with kids and didn’t even hesitate giving me Daisuke to take back to the shrine. I think Inuyasha just slept and didn’t even go out of their house? Daisuke was tired out at least and slept most of the day, so I had some free time to work on some of the stories in here. It was so nice giving a ready and awake Daisuke to Inuyasha and Kagome._

Rin worked hard on her many stories, many tales of adventure and some with romance and drama, although she didn’t know much about those topics, admittedly. The look on Kagome’s and Inuyasha’s face as they had likely just woken up from a refreshing very, very long nap as they were given a ready-to-play Daisuke was one of the many so-called pranks Rin liked to play on the couple. Slowly, they were becoming like her own family- like a mother and father or older siblings.

_July 10 th: _ _At the end of summer I’m going to have to begin learning archery… how boring. Am I going to have to learn a new thing each year? I only just begun medicine and herbs, now archery? I want to learn cool things, but archery really isn’t one of them, Sachi._

Rin is good with her hands. Looting and scavenging are her talents. Archery will likely not go over well, but Rin will try and give it her best.

_July 20 th: _ _Another month of no Sesshomaru. Well, I'm still happy. It's really hot this year, so me and Lady Kaede walk to the nearby springs and bathe every day, instead of the hot springs. It's nice of her to talk to me too. I asked about her eye… she told me about Kikyo, Kagome, and the arrow and I was scared just hearing it. I remember Lady Kikyo… I learned a lot today, again. I'm happy, Sachi. Goodnight._

Small things like relaxing during a bath meant a lot to Rin. She liked the conversations she held with Kaede and Kagome during their baths, and she liked that she wasn’t expected to do anything such as work or the like.

_July 31 st: _ _Lady Kaede and Lady Kagome weren't here when I woke up. I panicked until I realized they had told me about not being here for the last few days of the month until next January. Apparently they're looking for a rare type of herb or flower and it only appears in the last 5 days of a month. Weird._

Enjoying her newfound solitude, Rin ironically liked being free of the shrine and stayed out as much as she could. This became a problem quickly as she was never in the shrine for sick people to come around and get treatment. In the end, she just ended up spending almost all of her time in the shrine during the day, slept late in the day and early night, and in early morning she would venture out. When she headed back to the village as the sun came up, it gave the illusion to the villagers she had been up all night picking herbs and mixing medicine, which she didn’t mind one bit.

_August 7 th: _ _I walked with Lady Kaede and Lady Kagome to the springs to bathe today. When we were bathing, they asked if I had made any new friends and liked my new life. I was sad, I told them I don’t like them referring to it as my “new life”… well; I told them about how you and me, Sachi, are best friends. I've had dreams where we're picking flowers for each other and laughing like friends do. But, beyond Lady Kagome, Lady Kaede, you, Daisuke, and Inuyasha… I have no other friends. Well, Lord Sesshomaru and Jaken are too! They're my best friends, like you Sachi! Goodnight._

Always one of few friends, the current situation didn’t bother Rin. Kagome and Kaede were more than enough for her, but with Sango, Miroku, all the babies, and Inuyasha, she was almost overwhelmed. There were too many humans, too many people. She preferred the company of Sesshomaru and Jaken, sometimes with an extra companion like Kohaku. What did bother her however was the reference to her new life. She had been gifted a new life twice, but this was not one of those times. This was a new _place_ she lived in, but not a new _life_ she lived. Her time here was temporary, she knew that.

_August 23 rd: _ _Lord Sesshomaru visited me today! Er, well, yesterday… I told him about you, Sachi. He asked if I was happy. I told him of course I am, and he gave me that almost-smile again! We walked to the cliff since I didn't want to pick flowers, I like talking to him instead. His mokomoko is a lot bigger than I remember it being so many years ago, and Sesshomaru seemed annoyed when I asked him about it! I laughed and he softened up a little... we talked until I was so tired I could barely walk home, but he always makes sure I get back safely. Goodnight Sachi, I hope you're as happy as I am!_

Sesshomaru was protective of his companion, especially during his now limited time with her. As long as she was happy within the village, and nobody messed with her in an unbecoming way, then he was content.

_August 31 st: Lady Kagome began to teach me how to use a bow and arrow a few days ago. I’m not that great at it, but she keeps telling me I’ll get it eventually. I prefer using my hands though? It feels unnatural to hold something like a bow. Oh well. _ _Goodnight Sachi._

Everybody has to start somewhere; both Kagome and Rin know that. Rin, however, is starting sloppily, with a stance far too strong and with an intent far too playful and almost much too deadly. Kagome is trying to teach self-defense to the girl, not a skill to readily dispatch enemies. Marksmanship was quickly making itself evident that it was not a latent talent within the girl, but Kagome was going to continue teaching her anyways.

_September 4 th: _ _The bad thing about learning archery in place of one of my daily medicine lessons is that I’m not good at it at all and may have accidentally shot an arrow through a man’s arm. The good thing about the medicine lessons is that I was able to clean the wound and bandage it and the guy’ll be okay. I hope no one ever shoots an arrow towards you, experienced or not! Goodnight… best friend._

People will say what they want about Rin, but at least she was optimistic.

_September 19 th: _ _It's gotten colder. I had a dream a few nights ago, and I was crying on your shoulder. I'm scared Sachi, please don't scare me anymore. In order for you to enter my dreams again, you have to be happy! Haha, goodnight!_

Dreams of all sorts plagued Rin, and she gave up long ago trying to decipher them, instead delighting in making them into larger stories into her head. She can go from having nightmares about being swept under the waves of the ocean to becoming a mermaid, a water demon whose domain is the entire ocean. Rin’s heart, as of now, knows no bounds.

_September 27 th: _ _Today, an inu-youkai showed up at the shrine, asking for a miko! I was worried… she looked like Sesshomaru, with the markings on her face, and hands, and even her stomach! But, she had fluffy ears, so maybe she was a hanyou? I don't know. I told her all the mikos weren't here. She just stared at me, and asked if she could come in… I told her she would have to wait for the mikos to return. She's still here, sitting outside the shrine as I write. Goodnight, and please pray for my safety, Sachi…_

Humans had been the ones to kill Rin’s family, demons had been the ones to order her death, but demons were also responsible for her two extra lifetimes. She had an appreciation for demons, and the demoness who showed up looked to mean no harm- otherwise the village would already be slaughtered and up in flames. And so began the realization that Rin preferred demons to humans.

_October 10 th: _ _That demon hasn’t come back, but she was really pretty. I kinda wish she would come back? Lady Kaede said she knew her and dealt with her privately, and she would likely not come back for a long time. She was a wolf demon, Sachi. Wolves have been around the village for the past few days, and I still can’t look at them without being scared. When I leave, I keep hoping Sesshomaru will show up and escort me and make them all run away. But, I have to go through the forest to do everything. It’s only me, too, I don’t have anyone else with me. I locked up when a wolf approached me, and I threw up and fell to the ground crying. I felt so useless. It hurts a lot, and I feel sick, and I just can’t go outside any more. I’m so sorry, Sachi._

Strong, independent, and reliable were all things Rin had proven herself to be- however, there would be times that she would be weak. If wolves were involved, then those would be her moments. Travelling with Sesshomaru and then living in the village did not heal her of her trauma but rather pushed it aside and allowed her to forget about it. She desperately missed having someone like Sesshomaru who would keep her protected.

_October 22 nd: _ _I was playing around with some of the knives we use in the shrine to cut up roots before we crush them. I took some into my room so I wouldn’t disturb Lady Kaede as I continued to work, and I cut my finger a bit. I bandaged it, so it was okay. I didn’t want to put the knives back, but I took a break and laid down for a bit. I was playing with my sleeping yukata and sometimes I open it and mess with my skin, especially my belly. It all just kinda happened and I’m not sure why I did it, but I made a cut across my belly? Not deep or anything, but I just watched it bleed. It felt strange, but not bad. I let it do its thing naturally, so I didn’t bandage it. It hurts now, though. I’ll talk to you later, Sachi._

Rin had stayed within the shrine for the past few weeks, rarely venturing more than a few feet from the door- she asked Kagome to take over her chores, and she obliged, not asking the obviously shaken up Rin for any reasons. Rin had always had a strange relationship with life and death, of pain and happiness, especially for someone of her age. She had faced far worse pain in her life than a scratch, and somewhat even liked the way a shakiness floods her body- her focus, her dry mouth, she enjoys the small bit she gets when she slips up.

_November 10 th: _ _The cut really hurt the day afterwards. Neither Lady Kaede nor Lady Kagome found out, and I’ve been cutting across my stomach some more. I still don’t want to leave the shrine, but Kaede is making me. She irritates me so much! I work so hard for her, but when I ask for something for myself I’ve suddenly become a spoiled brat? Why did my lord drop me off here thinking I would be happy?_

Many angry tears were shed after fights between Kaede and her cohort. Rin would go to her room with hot tears spilling down her face as it twisted as she shouted, and if she had a door it would be slammed. Kaede calmly looked on and allowed Rin to go to sleep angry, knowing it was bad for her health, but also knew that despite that, it would ultimately help the girl. Or so she really thought. Kaede was not a parent.

_November 20 th: _ _There isn’t much space on my stomach left, so I’ve moved to my thighs. It helps with my stress I think? My entire body goes cold, and then right after I make the cut, I feel feverish. I watch it bleed, clot itself, then I retie my yukata and go to sleep. Good night, Sachi._

The nightly routine of Rin was to stay up late, working hard to please Kaede, retire to her room, and cut. She used to take the knives with her, but blades dull and break easily in the shrine and so she fashioned the hilt of a dulled blade to a sharp edge that had come out of its past handle. Now, she had a hidden blade, and no need to suspiciously bring work into her room. She would write in Sachi after untying her yukata and relaxing before she cut, if she did that day. Sometimes she just scribbled in some random thoughts or some doodles, and she would smile. It would fade sooner or later.

_November 30 th: _ _Lord Sesshomaru visited today. He told me I was getting taller! I was so happy he noticed. He brought me a kimono, which is nice since I mostly have yukata and with it getting colder, it’s bothersome. I wish I could still wear hosode, but Kaede told me absolutely not. The kimono is really nice, though, and it’s so warm._

Sesshomaru was such a good distraction for Rin; everything was okay when he was there. She was safe, with no need to find a proxy to feel good. She talked a lot, laughed, and showed off her growth to Sesshomaru- her height, her weight, her teeth, and the rest of her- and he was so happy to see that smile of hers.

_December 12 th: _ _They are still hanging around the village. The wolves. They look at me with black eyes, full of evil. The villagers claim they won’t mess with you if you don’t mess with them, but these wolves know me. They can smell me, they know who I am. I hate them so much and just? Why won’t they go away?!_

Paranoia was somewhat common among humans, as the threat demons posed was laughably exaggerated. While humans were far more scared of demons than demons were of them, many demons had their own agenda that was more important than devouring a human. It would also be a good time to say that Inuyasha is not a reliable source for this fact- he was a magnet for awful demons during Naraku’s life, as the Shikon Jewel drew in the evil in the land. And so, Rin was completely paranoid around the wolves, already feeling their teeth sink into her flesh.

_December 23 rd: _ _I want to forget a lot of what’s happened, but also remember it? It makes no sense. I like to stay out in the snow, but Lady Kaede comes and gets me and yells at me. Did you know frostbite is a burn? I didn’t, but I do have frostbite on my arms and legs… it really hurts._

As the year wound down, Rin’s became more and more anxious, volatile to herself, counting the days to when she could rejoin Sesshomaru.

_December 31 st: _ _It's almost another year done with. This year was very fun at first, but now it’s… I don’t know, Sachi. You're running out of pages… I’m going to try and put some more pages in the binding, don’t worry. Well, goodnight. In the morning… it's going to be a new year._

 


	3. Growing

_January 1 st: Well, it's my first journal entry in the new year. I didn't sleep all night! Y'know Sachi, time really is flying by pretty fast. I hope this year is better than the last… well, I'll talk to you later._

A new year signified many things- new chances, new opportunities, new odds; new growth. Rin wished she could recede into the ground and spring afresh, blossoming when things were better.

_January 12 th: These past few days, nothing extraordinary has happened. We've been leading normal lives I guess. But, I still wonder about what’s going on outside the village. Is Ah-Un okay? How’s Jaken? Is Sesshomaru a good Lord of the West? I wonder what his estate looks like! Lady Kaede thinks I daydream too much. Goodnight, Sachi._

Much of Rin’s idle time was spent daydreaming- as was much of her busy time! But, it kept her from sullying her belly and legs once more, so she was content daydreaming about life in the West.

_January 26 th: Another year down! I'm almost 15… Lady Kagome says I'm almost done growing. I've gotten a lot taller, but I noticed that compared to the other girls my age, I'm still short. Lord Sesshomaru visited, but I didn't talk much. He asked me what was wrong, and I said it was nothing. I feel bad now that I didn't tell him, but it’s so silly. Goodnight…_

Kaede had much work to do, and when Kagome was around (which was not often, unfortunately) she lent her ear to Rin, but otherwise the only source of Rin interacting with someone else was writing to Sachi. It can barely be called interacting, and sometimes Kaede feels Rin would be better off shouting at a wall or a tree- at least she’d be vocalizing her thoughts and feelings. But, Rin thought her feelings were a bit trivial, and those around her allowed her to keep to herself, thinking it was the best for her.

_January 30 th: More nightmares have been coming, starting three nights ago. When I wake, I reach for the blade hidden under my pillow almost automatically. They start off with me, Lord Sesshomaru, and you, Sachi. We're walking up that mountain that Naraku was at, and I noticed I had stopped because of some weird barrier. You guys kept on going though, leaving me behind. It stopped there until last night, where it kept going with me screaming and the spirits of my family asking why I became the ward of a youkai. I couldn't answer them like I wanted to, Sachi. Goodnight._

Rin was plagued by nightmares of apparitions of her deceased family and village for the first few months she travelled with Sesshomaru. Gradually, she became more and more comfortable, glad to be alive. These nightmares were not unusual, but she had no one to hum to, and no one who would hold her and provide what comfort they could.

_February 10 th: Lady Kagome talked to me today. We had a nice conversation. But… the nightmares won't stop. It’s a bit frustrating. I couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying to me, but I think it was just about Daisuke. He’s growing up so fast! I hope when he’s older I can travel the land with him and show him everything!_

Rin wanted absolutely nothing more than to show others the wonders of the great land and share her experiences and thoughts with others. She had a strong love for fish, for animals, for the plants, the clouds in the sky; she loved the sun and the moon, and loved sharing their warmth and light with others.

_February 27 th: Lord Sesshomaru visited me again today! I tried to be really happy, and I think it worked. But, I still feel like he knows that something is bothering me. We had let Jaken come with us, and it was so nice to have the little imp around again! He kept getting bothered by insects, and kept falling over trying to swat them away! Ha, I'm sorry you missed it, Sachi. Goodnight. I miss walking around so much._

Out of everybody Rin had left behind, she knew she’d miss Jaken but never realized how much she would miss his antics. Then again, she still thinks of it as her leaving them behind- instead of the other way around, or a simple time apart.

_March 12 th: I've been trying my hardest these past few days to busy myself and not talk to other villagers and avoid lectures from Lady Kaede. All I've really said in the past few days to her was about my progress with archery since I’ve started practicing again. I asked Lady Kagome if I was doing well, and she gave me this weird smile? I don't know, Sachi._

Rin didn’t even realize how sub-consciously negative she was becoming. Optimism suited her far better.

_March 21 st: I was in a meadow a few days ago when I saw a girl who I was pretty friendly with. I asked her why some of the other girls didn’t like being around me like she did. She said they all thought I was weird—I guess I am. Visits from a Demon Lord, staying in the shrine almost all day, and having travelled all over? One of the other girls overheard, and came up to me and told me that even if I was a normal villager like them, they still wouldn’t like me. I'm trying hard not to cry, Sachi…_

Usually, things did not affect Rin so. She had gone through far worse than a girl insulting her. And yet, it still bothered her greatly. The open seas do not push others away- they let them in. Rin really wishes she could go back to the coast and get a glimpse of the open water again.

_March 30 th: Sesshomaru visited today and I felt embarrassed in front of him, and I knew I shouldn't have. …I was on my menses. Don’t demons have a much better sense of smell?! Especially for blood?! I was so worried the entire time we were out. We finished our walk, and I didn't say much again this time, either. Goodnight._

Being self-conscious has plagued many girls and young women all throughout time. Rin was not immune, but deep down, she wondered if she would be feeling this way if she had stayed with Sesshomaru. She was glad for the experience she was receiving in the village, but she was very lonely.

_April 10 th: One of the boys from the village around my age got badly injured today, and had to come to the shrine for Lady Kaede. She wasn't here, but all he had were some deep gashes, so I could help him. He was blushing when I told him that, and I didn't know why. He said I was pretty and soft?! I don't understand what that had to do with anything. I'll ask Lady Kagome tomorrow, Sachi._

All types of men and boys had proven themselves to be disgusting during Rin’s travels. The two men she trusted wholly and completely were only Sesshomaru and Kohaku.

_April 15 th: He's a pervert, that guy I helped! Lady Kagome told me what happened, and well… I got the longer version of the sex talk. I had had enough the first time about babies, but now about how babies are made?! Ugh! She said it wasn't as disgusting as she made it out to be, but she told me I should wait to do anything until I'm older, and in love. But still, Sachi, ew. Maybe I am pretty? Well, goodnight, Sachi._

And this experience just proved how disgusting men and boys really are. Then again, she wasn’t immune from such thoughts herself.

_April 24 th: I'm 15 today! Exactly 3 years left of this place! Lord Sesshomaru of course visited me, and gave me a 3 layer kimono… it was a deep purple with violet and white under-layers. It made me so happy. I tried it on, and Sesshomaru and I walked to a new meadow, and the flowers went up to my waist! I picked as many as I could, giving the prettiest ones to Sesshomaru. It was a fun day. I waved to him as he left again, before getting to hug him again! He's nice to me, I realized. Goodnight, Sachi…_

Kohaku nervously awaited this day as well, giving his own present to an excited Rin. Kohaku thought he was courting her, and Rin thought he was just being lovely. Either way, both were that sweet essence of teenage awkward around each other.

_May 10 th: You’re running out of pages! I’ve managed to bind in another few pages, and you still look quite good. In celebration, I’ve drawn you again- this time with me! We’re picking lots of flowers and laughing quite a bit. Then again, I guess you knew that? I don't want to be angry, so I think I'll be happy, Sachi. Goodnight._

Her artistic skills were growing, and the few times Shippo popped in, he would draw with her. It was pretty fun, and even soothing.

_May 17 th: Lord Sesshomaru visited for the last time before summer started. It's going to be a really rainy summer too, so the chances of him coming were lowered even more than their dismal amount! I wanted to ask him why he didn’t visit during the rainy season, but I was a bit too upset to ask. He just seemed amused with me, honestly. Well, it was still nice talking to him. Goodnight._

As a young teenager, Rin had a habit of lending herself to hyperbole. Of course she thought her Lord wouldn’t bother with her during the rainy days- if Inuyasha was bothered so, wouldn’t Sesshomaru be doubly affected? Yet her Lord didn’t come during the rainy season often so he wouldn’t bother her- he did miss her splashing about and catching raindrops, her senseless dancing only in rhythm with the rain. Demons have a tendency to say humans are not close to the Earth, and Sesshomaru believes that to a degree, but just as Rin has done with the rest of his beliefs, she has become the exception.

_May 25 th: Sometimes I just want to leave the village and go travelling on my own. What would I see? Who would I encounter? How would I know? Goodnight, Sachi._

Sometimes the need to leave the village was overwhelming. Her nighttime and early morning walks in solitude sometimes helped. The plants and the insects were good company, she found.

_June 5 th: This year sure has taken a long time to get to this point. It rains almost every day now, so maybe that's it? I'd never let you get wet, Sachi! Oh, I talked to Inuyasha today! He’s been avoiding me lately I feel. He always has this… look in his eyes? I’m not sure how to describe it, so I’ll just draw it. We talked about Daisuke and he asked if I wanted to watch him more often. I said of course! Goodnight._

If only Rin understood what pity was. Not in a negative way, mind you, but demons did have a keen sense of smell, even the faintest drop of something. Inuyasha doesn’t want to see his brother’s ward become a recluse, fated to injury after injury. Then again, he’s not great with words.

_June 20 th: I always know Sesshomaru won't come a lot during the summer, but sometimes it gets really boring without him. So, I've taken to a new thing Lady Kaede and Lady Kagome told me I should do… garden. There are these two big dirt patches outside of the shrine, and even though it's past spring, I can still plant flowers to bloom for autumn! I planted a lot of flowers today, and now I can water them every day and care for them! I'm happy, Sachi, really happy. Goodnight._

As much as she loved flowers, it never dawned before on Rin that she could grow her own. She loved looking after and caring for her garden. It took her mind off other things, and she found herself blindly grasping for the blade under the pillow in the dark of night less and less.

_June 30 th: I wish Milord would visit during the summer. I can't stop thinking about it, and it's really getting on my nerves. I know he must never think of me the same way I think of him. I feel kinda ashamed of what I've been thinking… it’s nothing bad, Sachi! Just… I’m daydreaming a bit too much again. Hmm, goodnight._

Sometimes her thoughts made her face blush a furious red- one of the few times she was glad Sesshomaru was not around. When she was alone in the hotsprings and at night, sometimes she explores her body- not a lot, and definitely not anything she’d tell Sachi about.

_July 10 th: It's either very hot, or very cold. The thunderstorms are terribly loud as well. It keeps me up late into the night, and I keep thinking about Sesshomaru and what it’s like at his estate. I bet there’s lots of nice gardens and small ponds. I wonder if it rains this badly in the West?_

The West infiltrated her mind and every part of her being- she wanted to be there desperately.

_July 20 th: I was gardening when a new family came through the village. It looks like they’ll be settling down near the shrine! It’s a mother and father and a daughter about my age. They used to be merchants, but came to the village to make and sell goods. Kaede seemed kinda annoyed by it, but Kagome was very happy! I am too, Sachi… their daughter is really nice to me. Her name is Rika. Goodnight._

Rin was just as glad as Rika was for the newfound companionship. They had similar interests, and could talk for hours on end, simply enjoying the company of each other. It was nice.

_July 31 st: I've been really tired lately, and my menses have started yet again. I don't like this at all. I’ve been helping Rika settle in, and the other girls like her as well. I think I’ll show her around the forest and meadows? Goodnight then, Sachi._

The forests and meadows were the places she showed to Sesshomaru, and Daisuke and Kagome when they had time. Rin was particularly excited to share her favorite places around the village with another person. She assumed at some point one of the others got tired of her gushing about a particular flower or lake.

_August 7 th: Lady Kaede is going on a one-month trip today, so I won't see her till mid-September. Lady Kagome is staying with me, but I wanted to go with Lady Kaede. I miss travelling. I wonder if Ah-Un misses me? I hope so! Goodnight._

The muggy August heat and humidity was not something Rin looked forward to, but she was used to it- compared to Kagome, who was whining and complaining every hour, Rin was doing quite well in the heat. She had some fun lightheartedly teasing Kagome, anyhow.

_August 23 rd: I'm happy I didn't go with Lady Kaede! Lord Sesshomaru visited me on the 20th, oddly enough. I think this might be a long story, so I'm sorry if I hurt you Sachi! Well, it started off as a clear day, and so I showed Sesshomaru my budding garden, and then we walked to a cliff. But, it started to thunder and lightning, so we went back to the shrine. It was raining really hard, and it seemed like it would never stop. Sesshomaru didn't want to go out in the rain… well; after I told him he shouldn't go just because of rain he decided that he'd stay. I think I fell asleep against his Mokumoku again. I tired myself from talking to him, and Sachi… I think he might've read you. I left you on my futon, and when I woke up, I had a blanket around me and I think Sesshomaru was sleeping, too. But he's a light sleeper, so I didn't move. I think I was in his lap, I couldn't tell, and I went back to sleep. I woke up when he told me the rain stopped, and he was leaving. I hugged him before he left, and this time, he put his hand on my back, like he was kinda hugging me back! I was really happy. But, I found you by my futon, on your 'face' not your 'back'. So if he read you… I don't know… goodnight…_

Busying herself with her responsibilities, Rin kept the idea of her privacy being invaded out of her head. Granted, Sesshomaru was a lord, and a youkai, so he was her superior. But he rarely treated her so recently. When that thought branched in her mind, Rin felt her face grow a tad too hot.

_August 31 st: I still can't tell if he read you, Sachi. But that passage was really long! I always blush when I reread it every night… I wonder if I'm interesting. You're interesting, Sachi. I redrew you, and I couldn't be happier with how you turned out! I'm happy you're my best friend, Sachi… maybe one of my other wishes will come true? One has, two more to go. I showed Rika some of my drawings in you and told her about Sesshomaru and felt so embarrassed, but she smiled and told me some of her stories and laughed, and I laughed too! She's a good friend and likes my drawings. I like her. Goodnight, Sachi._

Her three wishes were simple. To see Sesshomaru, which came true. Her others? Sachi to come to life, and for them to return to the land in the West.

_September 4 th: I wish you were real, Sachi. So… please come to life, so we can be friends? Thank you if you do, Sachi! Goodnight!_

Rin wished as hard as she could, as often as she could, but for just two things. Sachi and Sesshomaru.

_September 19 th: Lady Kaede came back a few days ago. She stopped by the palace in the West to rest. She returned and told me all about the cool things she brought back! I’m going to be put hard at work, though… So, that's one good thing again this year!_

Sesshomaru felt obliged to show hospitality to the old miko for taking care of his ward. Kaede was as hesitant as he was, but in the end, she divulged the information she knew to Sesshomaru over tea. Inwardly, Sesshomaru promised to visit more often.

_September 27 th: Lady Kagome read you today, the first time it seemed this year. I forgot to write a happy birthday letter in here for Daisuke. He's almost 2! But, she didn't mind. She said it was really cute, my passage on Sesshoumaru-sama visiting during the summer, I mean. She said it really sounded like I loved him. I told her I did, and she just laughed! Ugh… well, goodnight Sachi._

If only Shakespeare was around to recount the agony and misery suffered by Rin. “O! My fragile heart does beat so…’ but, that’s a bit too whimsical and exaggerated, even for Rin. A Shakespearean comedy however does seem the best place for Rin to fit into- she’s already suffered the tragedy and the drama in lives past.

_October 10 th: My garden is in bloom! There are so many pretty flowers; I spend almost all my free time looking at them with Rika! I'm practicing my 'grammar' by writing 'haiku' about them. Lady Kagome taught me other 'poem' styles, but I like haiku the best. Rika is very smart and already knows how to read and write really well because she came from a huge city. Goodnight Sachi, I hope you like my haiku!_

Filling up many pages about the changing scenery and her lovely lavender plants with her haiku, Rin rested without resorting to the blade often lying forgotten under her pillow. If not for herself, then for Sesshomaru and Sachi and Rika.

_October 22 nd: I think I caught another cold… my throat aches, my eyes are always red and watery, and I feel like I don't breathe enough. Am I dying? …Lord Sesshomaru visited me today. He wished me to feel better, and he stayed with me for a while. I think I slept for the most part, and I'm certain he's read you by now, Sachi. I've spent the night crying, because I found you opened, right next to the spot he was sitting against my wall. I'm sorry, Sachi. Goodnight._

In a way, Rin was happy her feelings and thoughts got communicated to Sesshomaru some way. In another, she despised the invasion of her privacy. Then again, she did want to someday and somehow tell Sesshomaru- these are things she would have confided in her Lord if she was not separated from him. And, this thought making her smile and laugh a bit, maybe he was just interested in her pictures and poems.

_November 10 th: I'm still coughing and feeling really hot sometimes, but other than that, I'm fine. I'm still embarrassed by what happened with Sesshomaru. I feel sick again… goodnight._

For once, Rin was kept in the shrine not because of herself, but rather an illness. No matter how much tea she drank, she seemed to not be soothed. It frustrated both her and Kaede.

_November 18 th: Sachi, do you like Sesshomaru too? I'm waiting for him, more than anything else. I can't concentrate! Rika visited me today because she heard I had been sick lately, and I could barely focus and felt so bad! Please, bring me a good dream tonight, Sachi… goodnight._

It was becoming increasingly hard to distract herself enough to stay away from the knife laying underneath her pillow. The only thing stopping her was her own exhaustion and the pain from her belly and upper thighs finally receding.

_November 29 th: Time is moving both too quickly and too slowly. It’s rather annoying. Goodnight._

Rin was not only snippy and a bit too fresh with Sachi, but also with the others in her life- Kaede, Kagome, and Inuyasha. She was even so with Rika, whom she often tended to their gardens with. Rika wasn’t as upset as Rin expected when she threw a weed at her, but burst out laughing. The raucous was infectious, and soon Rin found herself laughing as well. The only bright moment in awhile.

_December 10 th: I hope he visits soon. It's getting really cold, and I know he likes the cold, so maybe he'll be in a better mood? I hope so. I wish I could apologize for my thoughts on him, but he hasn't visited, so… well, goodnight, Sachi._

Starting to worry, Rin became increasingly exasperated- she could no longer keep up with Kaede, was messing up mixtures and tinctures, was having a difficult time shooting her arrows- even writing was a bit manic and disorganized. And so, her frenzied state led to more slashes along her midsection.

_December 23 rd: He visited! He finally came back! I ran to him and hugged him and cried, trying to apologize. I knew I shouldn't have done that, and he pushed me back a little to hand me something. It was a winter kimono, thicker than the rest… it felt really nice and warm. It was black with golden and silver patterns, with grey and white under layers… it was really nice. I told him I was sorry for what I wrote and for what I had done a few moments earlier. He told me it was okay, told me not to worry. He said he was really busy in the West! He told me all about what he had to do! Well, goodnight, Sachi._

It would not dawn on Rin until much later that this one of the first times Sesshomaru opened up to her about what he had been doing in her absence. Rin almost felt guilty, knowing she was likely keeping her Lord from his important work. Sesshomaru thought she understood she was as welcome a sight as he was to her.

_December 31 st: I feel sick. I'm going to bed early and not staying up for the new year. Well, tomorrow brings me even closer to the last 3 years of living here. I cannot wait, Sachi! I’m wearing my new super-warm kimono… good night._


	4. Absorbing

_January 10th: Wow, Sachi… I never realized before what time must be like for you. I’m almost 16, but you’re almost 4… I think in demon years a 4 year old is still a baby? Or do they age very quickly, then very slowly? Not to mention you were around far before I came here and I’ve drawn you around my age. I don’t know… but I do know Inuyasha and Sesshomaru are hundreds of years old but still look young! Although Milord has definitely gotten… um… a lot more mature looking since we first met. Inuyasha still looks dumb. Haha, goodnight!_

No one knew Rin stuck her tongue out at Sachi teasingly while writing the final part, and that was for the best. Sometimes when Sesshomaru was in a particularly good mood he would partake in his own version of brotherly teasing. It usually went a little something like this, where Sesshomaru would ask Jaken “Who is the most putrid and despicable half-demon in the land?” to which Jaken could only reply, “Why, Inuyasha, of course, Milord!”. Sesshomaru would give him a pathetic glance, punting him. “No, the answer was Naraku.” Actually, now that Rin thought about it a bit, it wasn’t really teasing or funny. It was still fairly amusing to see the imp fly, however, knowing he was strong enough to handle it.

_January 26th: It’s been 4 years since I arrived here. Sesshomaru visited two days ago, and I told him about wanting to leave earlier. I told him I don’t like not being able to travel freely like I want to! All he told me was to have patience. He’s never tried this, I think, Sachi. Goodnight._

To cage a free spirit was never a good thing as was to release a bird from the nest before it was ready. Sesshomaru knew Rin’s maturity was as much up to him as the tide and turn of the waves.

_February 10th: I tripped on a root today, and the moment from so many years ago flashed back to me… I just stayed there for awhile. I thought I had died again. It was so frightening. This year was going okay so far and just… I feel so… Goodnight._

Neither Sachi nor Rin would tell a soul about the tear drops drying on the pages.

_February 20th: Today I told Lady Kaede what happened a few days ago. Lady Kagome was around as well, so I think she heard as well. Kaede told me I was being a bit overdramatic, but it was understandable. Then why even tell me I’m being overdramatic?! Damn her, Sachi! I’m tired of being here. Most days it goes so well, but others… ugh. Goodnight, Sachi._

If Rin did ever decide to leave, she would definitely explore the coastline. She would head west and not stop until she hit the biggest body of water. She loved seeing the water, and the weightless feeling it would give her- when she was in it, or when she was simply gazing out over what the body encompassed. 'I wonder what ocean and sea demons are like?' was a frequent thought of hers, and sometimes she'd doodle her ideas. They ranged from brilliant mermaids like the river fish she had been exposed to and seen all the way to Eldwritch type abominations, a Lovecraftian monster. Then again, she was quite the precursor to these, so that might not be the best adjectives to attach, but nonetheless. Simply frightful.

_March 10th: Lady Kagome has had me watch over Daisuke recently, and I’ve talked to her a bit. We get along really well and it makes me glad. She told me I don't visit Sango or Miroku enough, but they never seemed to see me, either. They have so many children, Sachi! I do like when I get to see Kohaku, though, he's quite nice. But despite all this... something has been bothering me lately, Sachi. Do you know what it could be? Please visit me in a dream and tell me… well, goodnight._

Sango and Miroku were mysteriously absent a lot of times wherever Rin was, as if they had been forgotten about. They had many children to tend to, and kept hours different from Rin, so she assumed that was the main reason they rarely crossed paths. Deep down, Rin felt it was because Sango still harbored resentment for demons in a way- or at least didn't approve of Rin and Sesshomaru's relationship. And then that, the word relationship, made Rin very confused.

_March 12th: Well, thanks for visiting me in my dreams, but… what? Like, what were you trying to tell me? It was hazy and sorta foggy, but I think I was in a garden? Something was around me, but I just didn't know what. You were standing with your back to me, staring up at the sky. The sky was dark, really dark, but more of a crimson than a raven type color? I guess I’m just really bad at trying to understand what others are trying to say sometimes._

Rin wasn't expecting a complete game of charades or for it to be a clear message. Well, truthfully, she was hoping for a clear message from her dear friend. The most baffling part was whatever was constricting her- well, not necessarily constricting. Rin simply didn't know how to describe the feeling. Warm, maybe?

_March 30th: I’m still trying to figure out what you told me, Sachi. I thought about it a lot when I was out in the meadow. Rika was out picking flowers with me, and we were having a lot of fun. She was telling me about the language of flowers and how they can talk without saying anything. Maybe if you can't talk, you can give some symbols? Goodnight._

Sachi could in fact talk; Rin's words were her own. Flower's words were not their own as well, simply the words that people gave to them. No one heard a red rose scream "passion", but they did see it in it's red leaves, it's form, and it's thorns. All Sachi could do was give the same kind of interpretive dance a flower gives, and hope Rin can give her proper words to it.

_April 8th: I can’t wait to see Sesshomaru again. Well, I haven’t been feeling good lately, so goodnight, Sachi._

The beginning of spring came silently, and it blended right in. It was a somewhat mild end to winter and mild beginning, and it was fairly nice. Rin had no complaints, but she felt wishy-washy from it. Uncertain, in some ways, not adjusting or adapting.

_June 7th: My arm feels so much better, Sachi! I haven’t written in you since… April 8th. I have a lot to tell you… Lord Sesshomaru visited me on my birthday with a VERY nice kimono this time. It was red, orange, and gold with this silver embroidery- it looked like fire, Sachi! Have you ever worn something and felt like the sun? That’s how I felt. I almost cried when he gave it! I hugged him like other times he’d given me gifts, but, I think I overstepped my limits and threw my arms around his neck, and one arm fell near the Mokumoku, and the other… have you ever noticed Sesshomaru has a chest plate with very sharp spikes on it, Sachi? My arm was ‘impaled’ by them. He said he smelled the blood right away and then I went 'limp’. He also told me he removed my arm from the spikes (the longest spike had just barely gone straight through!) and when I woke up his plate was off but I could see his robes and chest. It had blood everywhere. I actually woke up two days later, with Sesshoumaru by me- Kagome told me he hadn't left my side. He stayed with me for a few days, and visited me last week to see if my arm was better. Well, now I can write again, but my arm still hurts and is bandaged. I’ll be able to take them off in September, since the wounds were very large. I’m happy to be able to still move my fingers, which I couldn’t do right away. I hope that’s everything, Sachi. My arm hurts a lot more now, so goodnight!_

One scent firmly ingrained within Sesshomaru's mind was Rin's blood; not just anybody's blood, but  _hers_. It had been the first blood to touch his blade that he had not spilled, it had been the blood of someone brought back to life once and then once more. The day had been going so well for both of them, only for it to quickly become chaotic- he had felt the girl go limp and her arm would've likely been damaged more severely had he not wrapped his arm around her and carefully removed her arm. It all happened so quickly he didn't even remember hearing her scream, but those inside the shrine did, and came running out. Thankfully, Rin and the mikos had worked hard and they had more than enough to care for her arm. Sesshomaru lie by her bed for the entire time she slept, watching over her, refusing food and even sleep. Many came to check on her- from Kohaku and Rika to even Sango and Miroku. Sometimes he would lay his hand upon her forehead, and would smell the blood all over again and be worried. Even after she awoke, much to everyone's relief, and appeared to be recovering well, he couldn't shake off the stench. 

_June 20th: I forgot to tell you, I never got to ask Sesshomaru about the dream. Maybe if he visits again this summer I’ll ask. He was so kind and even... gentle when he was with me in April and May. Inuyasha didn't show up a lot because of Sesshomaru, but when he did, things seemed more awkward than usual? Maybe everybody was just tense. I was trying to be happy, so it wouldn’t matter so much, right? Well, goodnight._

The blades had been long forgotten under Rin's futon, but she would feel the familiar lump against her head at times and have this sinking, dreadful feeling in her stomach that only went away if she took an early morning walk. On full moons she'd catch Inuyasha, and they had interesting conversations sometimes. 

_June 30th: I looked carefully at the new kimono today. It’s too pretty to wear every day, so I’ve decided to only wear it when Sesshomaru comes. I tried it on of course, and Lady Kagome walked in on me changing! I barely had my yukata off, but Lady Kagome apologized profusely and walked away, closing my door. I’m still embarrassed about it… well, at least the kimono fits, Sachi… Goodnight._

It was bad enough to be embarrassed in your body with clothes on, but even more so when the clothes were off. Even though Rin and Kagome were both females, it was still a shock on both ends. Typically, the only time you get dressed is in the morning or in the night while preparing for the day or for sleep, so the thought to make her presence known just didn't occur to Kagome. 

_July 10th: Lady Kagome came up to me a few days ago and apologized further for what had happened. Not much else has happened; I'm recovering well. It's hard to not be able to do much, however. I can't really write a lot either, or draw. Goodnight._

Rin wouldn't even know what to write if she could. What would she draw if she could? Another thing Rin simply didn't know. She would sigh and toss and turn at night, not being able to do much, and feeling as if there was something she wanted- no, needed to say, to somebody, anybody, but just couldn't. It was yet another thing that weighed on her.

_July 20th: Rika came to see how I was doing. I told her I wanted to do anything except be in the shrine all day, so we went out to pick some flowers. Rika said we could crush them up and put them on our nails! I agreed and it was so fun, the powder got everywhere! She carefully painted my nails and I painted hers, then we wrapped them in some sticky leaves for a few hours. Our entire fingers were stained this orangey-red! She said it'll go away after a few days, so not to worry. I put some paste on your cover, since it's like your nails, kinda. Rika is my favorite person… besides you, of course. Goodnight._

Rin was determined to have these last until the first snowfall- the bright red symbolizing something that she was not quite sure of yet. She definitely felt strongly, if not outright passionate, for  _something_ , but she couldn't figure out if it was closer to love or hate. She certainly wasn't apathetic- and as she would see her stark red nails against her skin bronzed by the sun, and those against the pale petals of a pastel flower or against the dark bark of a tree, she realized she at least loved nature. She loved the colors and the air, and this village was becoming ever more stifling.

_July 31st: Lady Kaede noticed me being quieter than usual, and she asked what’s wrong. I didn’t have the guts to tell her, so… I lied. Well, not really. First, I told her if my nails stayed stained red until the first drop of snow, I'll find and marry my true love, and told her I worried it wouldn't stay or it simply wouldn't snow! Then, I told her I was sad because I missed Sesshomaru, and that’s true, but not the big problem. Well, goodnight, Sachi._

What exactly was the big problem? If there was one, would it not have become even bigger by now? Her demon lord would have surely commented on it. She talked to Rika, discussing it and trying to sort out her feelings. "Even though he has gotten better at minding what he says, he still speaks his mind pretty honestly, if not bluntly," Rin had told Rika this, "so that's why I don't think it's necessarily him that's causing the problem." And Rika, with her infinite wisdom, shrugged it off and gave a smile to her friend. "My father always says teenage girls have as many problems as they do blessings. If it was a big deal, it surely would've meant something would have happened by now. The village is still standing, I'm still standing, and you are too, and that's the greatest thing that can be happening right now." Rin felt like Rika had said the last part without truly knowing what it meant- and it didn't sit well Rika thought so ill of what Sesshomaru would do if Rin did displease him. Surely having him go through the trouble of going into the underworld to rescue her was more stressful? And son Rin smiled back at Rika- half of it for her, the other half for her lord, wherever he may be.

_August 13th: Lady Kaede told me a travelling monk will be visiting this year and next year, but she didn’t bother about the year I wouldn’t be around for winter. Or maybe... they knew he was only planning to come this year and next? I wonder if Kaede will be sad when I'm gone. I asked her as we were drinking tea, and she laughed and told me that longing for others leads to nothing. And then, to top it off, she said I'll likely return anyways to deliver a baby! What does that even have to do with what I said?! Maybe she needs to learn compassion too! Ugh... I don't even want to think about finding a husband either. Who would marry me? Who would I marry? Definitely none of the boys in the village. Sigh... I don’t know. Goodnight._

Generally, Rin was a bit salty following the exchange between her and Kaede. She even had a bit of an attitude- as much of an attitude as she could muster, anyways- when with Kaede. Kaede would respond just the same, with her feigned senility, and eventually after both women had had enough joking the attitude would go away on it's own. Neither were ever malicious, but sometimes one would pretend not to hear the other the first time, would forget to prepare tea just the way the other wanted... in the end, they begrudgingly laughed over their squabbles. Eventually. But a day after they had made peace, Rin was putting up tools after a long night alone and nicked herself pretty nicely on a blade by accident. She sighed and put the finger into her mouth; it had been long since she had made a mistake that ended in injury. She sat outside under the moonlight, sipping on her tea, bandaging her finger.

It was late enough Kagome had gone home and Kaede in bed, but not late enough Rin would be asleep yet. She sometimes drank tea on clear nights to cool off after a hot summer day. Breathing in deeply, Rin closed her eyes, and opened them as soon as she heard footsteps approaching. It was Inuyasha, so she set her tea down and met him halfway. "Did Kagome forget something?" she asked, before seeing the torn expression on Inuyasha's face. "Is- is something wrong? With Kagome or-" she was cut off by Inuyasha, "No, it's nothing like that. I came to talk to you." Rin had never heard Inuyasha sound like this before- contemplative? Unsure, and troubled? She nodded and resumed her seat, to which Inuyasha took his next to her.

"I came tonight because it's gone on for long enough, Rin." He sounded more sure of himself this time. Rin furrowed her brows, obviously confused. "What do you mean, Inuyasha?" She tried to address him respectfully while also trying to let him know she wasn't kidding and truly did not know. She always was a kidder. Inuyasha just visibly got irritated by this, "You know exactly what I mean Rin. I can smell it from my house! Even Daisuke gets upset by it when it happens. It happens too often and with too much blood to just be accidental. I don't know why you do it and don't want to know." He paused, and stood, leaving a speechless Rin. He stopped just a few steps ahead and coldly told her, "And I don't think Sesshomaru would appreciate what you do." He turned to look at the frightened Rin over his shoulder. "Believe it or not, he worries about you. We all do." And he walked off. He wasn't surprised to come home to an extremely agitated Daisuke and to smell such a strong stench- he could only hope this was the last night it happened.

_August 26th: Sachi, sachi, I've.... ive been cryi ng so much latly and dont kno what to do ?! i dont know how ~~inuyac~~ ~~inuyasch~~ inu ya s h a even found out what i was doing or how i was maybe he doesnt maybe he was bluffing hes just a half demon and everybody says you cant trust a half demon but not alld emons are bad i care a lot about sesshomaru he would have never yelled at me okay maybe i wasnt yelled at but sachi these past few days have been hard. kaede has even been yellin g at me. ive been going out really early in the morning to cry in the meadow. ive been trying to spend time with rika and cheer up but nothing is helping. im so sorry ive been so angry and hurting you but i dont know what else to do. is this the problem becoming big? even bigger? does sesshomaru really care about me? if he did would he have left me in a human village to only show up sometimes? if he cared he would know whats on my stomach, on my thighs, he would know everything about me. does he know my favorite flower? my favorite time of day? i know his i have to go i have to sleep_

The handwriting was sloppy, teardrop stains scattered about on the pages. Many pages were full of writing crossed out and scribbled over, some pages just with holes she stabbed through with her pen. It had a cute design on it, as a gift from Kagome long ago, who had also helped her learn how to use the pen as well as a brush. She was met with dreams of an incredibly upset Sachi, the demon sobbing and in pain, gradually fading away until all Rin dreamed of was blackness.

_September 6th: I took my bandages off today!.You can still see scabs where I was cut through, and scars of the smaller ones, but it’s almost healed. Everybody came to see how my arm looked. Miroku gasped when he saw me, which I found very rude. He said my eyes looked all tired and had bags and were red, and that all my beauty was gone. Sango slapped him. Inuyasha came and I felt bile rise in my throat but it never did find it's way out. Sesshomaru didn't come. Rika did._

A lot of sleepless nights plagued Rin recently, but she was dealing substantially better now that she was out of her panic. She had no more tears left to cry- literally. She had been so dehydrated lately and not caring in general. She spent a lot of time under her covers, that is, until Kaede forced her to get up and out. So now Rin ventured deep into the forest she once ran away into, spending hours at the edge of the forest and the clearing near the village, doing nothing, looking at nothing, thinking nothing.

_September 13th: Sesshomaru came today. He gave me that almost-smile when he saw my arm without bandages. I didn't smile back. Well, I tried not to, but I did. I told him that still needed to heal more, and I might be scarred, but that’s okay. We walked to the cliff overlooking the water and watched the day go by. I didn't talk much and neither did he. He did ask me if something was bothering me, and I didn't want to say anything. At least he didn't insult me. I don't think I could've slapped him if he did. I wanted to yell, to scream, to let him know I hated this place. I ended up just bursting into tears like some kid, clinging onto him, telling him I hated this village and I hated humans. When I finished crying I just stayed there, hunched over, exhausted. I don't know if I upset him or not, but he did walk me back to the shrine. He did let me cry on him. At this point I've gotten what, blood, snot, and tears on his clothes and armor? I'm so gross, Sachi. Ugh._

Sesshomaru was no newcomer when it came to the emotional pain of his ward- but it had been affecting him greater and greater as time wore on. She had been quiet, an unusual state for her even as of late, but he had no way of knowing how to ask what was bothering her. If something did bother her, he heard about it as soon as something did bother her- granted, that was back when they were still companions and she younger. But, none of that could've prepared him for her outburst. He wasn't the nurturing or soothing type- at least, not in a way helpful to this situation. He just let her cry it out- barely able to understand her words. If he didn't already feel awful about dropping her in the village, he certainly was now. But, he still was't sure if he would've done it differently.

_September 30th: That monk Kaede mentioned came around. I was tasked to show him around the village, and so I did. When we got back and I was tending to my garden, I overheard the monk asking Kaede if I was possessed. That I didn't seem "right". She agreed but said I wasn't possessed, but a demon was to blame. I left and spent the night in the meadow picking last minute herbs before the warm weather is gone for good. Kaede didn't seem to care when I didn't return until the next night. I think you did mind though, Sachi. Thank you. Good night._

The problem with eavesdropping is that it isn't always accurate. Kaede wasn't sure if she would allow this monk back next year, and was struggling to find the strength to deal with him for just the beginning of his visit. Kaede allowed Rin to have her space, choosing to only worry if she didn't come back the next day. Something was upsetting Rin, and this monk was just exacerbating it and not allowing any opportunity for anybody to broach the topic with Rin. It was a bad situation all around.

_October 14th: I saw Lady Kagome today with her son while I was outside. She called out to me as I was thinking of if I wanted to go up to them or not, so I had to. We talked and she asked me if everything was alright. I nodded, not wanting to talk about it. I tried with Rika, and she helped a bit, but I don't think she understands how important Sesshomaru is to me. But Kagome does. I told Kagome I was thankful she and I were a lot alike and I told her if I ever did need to talk about it I would seek her out. She didn't really understand but she nodded and said I could any time. Kagome is one of the few humans I like. She's good._

In the future, Kagome thought a lot about the words Rin chose to speak to her during this time. They were chosen deliberately, but subconsciously, and it would take a long time for anybody to realize this. It would bring a smile to her face.

_October 30th: I rolled up and down the hill in one of the clearings in a forest. It was fun. I did it over and over again and it made me feel like a child again and like everything wasn't so awful. But everything is still awful. I'm going to go roll up and down the hill some more tonight, Sachi, so I have to go. The only problem is that the taste of grass and dirt won't leave my mouth but it's better than raw slugs._

Rin rarely thought of the days before she joined Sesshomaru- the memories seem so sparse and spread out, but she was grateful she didn't have to fend for herself any more and thus did not have to eat raw slugs.

_November 10th: Inuyasha came to visit me today while I was on the hill. It was kind of cold and he was like "Shouldn't you be in something warmer than a yukata?" and I told him "Shouldn't you be doing something that doesn't make you a disappointment to your family?" and he yelled at me. Okay, I lied, I did not say that to him. But that's what I WANTED to say. I stopped rolling and just looked at him and he told me I'm a lot like Sesshomaru before he met me. I nodded, not really knowing what to do with this information, so I sprawled on my back and ignored Inuyasha. He's annoying, Sachi. Bring me good dreams tonight, please._

Generally, Rin didn't have many moments where she felt she should've said or done something else, but the ones she does have are typically centered around Inuyasha. There had been increasingly worried gossip about Rin, who the village had been convinced by the monk that she was influenced negatively by a demon, if not outright possessed. She was known as the creepy ghost girl from the shrine- if Rika was not her companion, the legitimacy of Rin's existence would likely be debated.

_November 20th: I went and talked to Lady Kagome today. I really needed to. I showed her you, Sachi, you're like my lifeline between me and others. Where would I be without you? I told her I felt like I was hanging onto hatred for too long and it was affecting me everywhere else. Even Rika hasn't recently been to see me, and I really miss her, but I don't want to be rude to her without meaning it. I told Kagome how I felt about Sesshomaru- I feel like he's just abandoned me here and has been seeing me less and less. I told her how upset I was over Inuyasha. Of course, she went through my room and took... things... away. But only after I made her promise not to get Kaede involved if I told her. She was really helpful, Sachi. She said Sesshomaru's matured since we first met, just like Inuyasha has from the first time they met. Sachi... did you know that Inuyasha and Kagome were like the same age when they met? Like developmentally and physically and everything? And Sesshomaru was like the equivalent of a 19 year old when we met? I find it so funny, but now that I do think about it... yeah, he looks different. He acts different. Am I acting like a selfish teenager? It looks like I have to always be the one to die or be close to death to make another person mature, even if that someone is me! I haven't laughed in a long while. I'll have to talk to Kagome more, I think. Thanks, Sachi, and good night._

Sachi was unarguably the most important aspect of Rin's life in the village. Sachi was her Sesshomaru. Her boon that was not easily given up. Rin's life felt like a mish-mash of so many different events, and separated into these blocks she had made. Her and her family, her alone, her and Sesshomaru during Naraku, after Naraku, and finally now in the village. Each had their pros and cons, but it was a shock to come to a village after having been away from one so long. Nobody ever made sure Rin properly adjusted- they left her to sort things out herself. She did as well as one could expect a child to adjust to surroundings associated with death with no rebirth. This time with Kagome was the final part to giving Rin even a small bit of security and safety for the first time while living in the village.

_November 30th: Sesshomaru hasn't been around for awhile, but I'm glad. I wanted to sort everything out with Kagome first before seeing him again. Kagome has been really helpful and I like her a lot. I also got to talk to Rika a bit and explain to her how I've been feeling lately. I just really don't like winter in this village, I guess. I feel... a bit better. But still kind of out of it? Maybe? It's hard to explain and describe. I have a very strong feeling to go see the sea, you know. It just came on all of a sudden. Well, sweet dreams, Sachi._

Sesshomaru was the only security that was provided to Rin besides Sachi before her talks with Kagome and Rika. For once, she wasn't itching to see him, she didn't feel desperate for him to come and check on her, to see her. Of course she still wanted to see him, but now she could finally focus on herself more than on focusing herself around Sesshomaru.

_December 12th: I have to return to the palace in the Western Lands. There's no way I couldn't. I just felt like telling you, Sachi- because you're coming with me! Definitely. I haven't seen the palace myself, so it'll be a first for both of us. But I plan to continue travelling a lot, so I won't be cooped up there like I am here, anyways. I'm getting so close to when I can leave... it's so exciting. The year is drawing to an end, and I just feel... strange? Like everything is about to resolve itself. I've also picked my archery lessons back up and the feeling of releasing a bow, even with my arm that feels just a bit off still, is exhilerating._

Winter was nearing it's middle and had stayed surprisingly mild, thus Kagome let Rin take up archery earlier than intended. Her injuries had healed incredibly well, and Rin was not bothered by her scars. She had coined them her "proof of existence", in the same way lovers will write their names into a tree's bark. Rin preferred to compare herself to a tree at any time she could- she would not bend to others advice the same way a tree does not bend to each gust of wind. She was strong, and would regrow if destroyed- she would pass something on to renew the earth. She was not a shrine or a town, which Rika was happy to compare herself to, and Rin would always smile and agree- because that's what Rika truly was.

_December 21st: So, Sesshomaru visited today and I had us walk down to the cliff. It had snowed, and even though it wasn't much, it was the first snowfall and it was nice, if a bit late into the season. Whenever I spoke to Sesshomaru, he would say something back- we're having conversations again. He told me I seemed a lot better from the last time we met. We got to one of my favorite spots, and I hugged him before he left. It was sweet, lasted just as long as I needed it to, and I didn't hurt myself, haha. I enjoyed our time together, and I'm glad we got it. I needed it. Good night, Sachi._

"How has the West been?" Rin began as her and her lordly demon escort walked beside her down the shrine steps. "Very well. And how has the village been?" He never discussed diplomatic affairs with Rin, seeing as she was never particularly involved or aware of them- and they weren't very exciting anyways. Rin nodded along, leading him down the familiar path, "It's been a strange year, but it's been a lot better since this travelling monk left." Rin made a face at the thought of the man, and Sesshomaru rose an eyebrow at her. She let out a long sigh, not rather liking the man in question. "He came at a... bad time for me. He doesn't like demons and kept talking about their negative influence on me. He was just really rude. But other than him, Rika and I have been doing well. He's gone and forgotten, you know?" Sesshomaru nodded, and they entered the clearing, the thin layer of snow crunching under their feet. "I'm glad to hear that."

Under the light snow, Rin saw and plucked a small violet-colored flower. The color was strong, and Rin smiled as she twirled it in her fingers. "Do you remember the time before you left me here when I took some flowers like this one, crushed them up, and tried to paint markings on my face and body to convince you I wasn't human? I was so young..." Rin giggled, and Sesshomaru gave a small smile in return. "Yes, I do remember that." Rin gave a big smile, and laughed some more. "I told you I wanted to be your bride, and could watch over the West with you." She looked onto the flower, the smile lingering on her lips, reminiscing about life before the village. She looked up at Sesshomaru, staring into his amber eyes. "My feelings have changed a lot since then. I'm not that child in a lot of ways any more, but we're also still alike. I'd still like to be your bride. Even if our feelings and wanting to be are different now, they still matter." Sesshomaru looked upon Rin, as if thinking about how to follow that small confession up. She stepped forward, allowing the flower to fall into the water below. "You don't have to say or do anything now. I still have time in the village left. I'm just glad you're here." And so, they kept on their walk before returning to the shrine, saying their farewells.

But before he left, Sesshomaru held Rin's hand up between the two of them. "The color on your nails is almost gone. I found the color... beautiful. You should color them again, soon, Rin." He dropped her hand and it fell naturally to her side as she smiled and waved him off. And just as she held the door open to return inside, seeing the red tip of her nails against the stark white sparked her memory. "Sesshomaru!" she suddenly called out, forgetting the door, and running towards the man who was turning around to find the young woman running towards him. She caught him just before he went down the steps, encasing him in a hug. It was a few seconds before his arms found their way around her, and a few more seconds before they broke apart. "Thank you for coming, Sesshomaru. Happy new year."

_December 31st: Well… this year has been good and bad, Sachi. It opened my eyes a lot and I think I took in a lot of things and learned about myself. INot to mention, in less than a month, I’ll be counting down my last year here! It’s kinda sad… but it’s also good for me. It’s 'surreal’. It’s like it isn’t happening, Sachi. But, we still have a few more months, so let’s make the most of it! Okay, Goodnight, Sachi-chan!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick note if you're curious about the crushed flowers- it's a real thing and a bit like henna. In East Asia, especially in Korea, there's this powder called bongseonhwa and it's made from crushed flowers that grow on Jeju Island and in different parts of mainland Korea. from what I've read, there are some similar plants that grow in Japan as well. You can purchase packets today, or simply use henna. Students in Korea typically aren't allowed to wear makeup or nail polish, but they can wear this as it's a stain and has cultural significance. I dye my hair and nails with henna, and it's pretty nice. I encourage you all to try it [but not do any sort of body henna unless it's apart of your culture or someone from a culture offers- mehndi is normally only done for weddings/other special occasions anyways. you wouldnt wear a wedding dress unless you were getting married!]


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